Remember when Ubisoft said they didn’t have the resources to include female character models for the co-op mode Assassin’s Creed Unity? Well, Ubi, what the hell are these two doing? I’m pretty sure those are boobs.

It would seem Ubisoft found enough ‘resources’ to include a bit of eye-candy around the Brotherhood. To be fair, it doesn’t look like these two are using the 8000 animations that apparently would have been required to include female character models in the co-op mode.

But on the other hand, how many of those animations are used already for Elise who has numerous in-game appearances alongside Arno. So far, we’ve seen her fight and run, but admittedly no climbing. But we’re thinking a large proportion of the work must have been done already.

We’ve heard that Ubi just didn’t have the resources to do all the mo-cap sessions again with female actors/parkour athletes who we’re led to believe move differently to their male counterparts. Considering all the rough edges found in Assassin’s Creed Unity though, we’re going to have to call bullshit there. If only Ubisoft had had some experience of creating a female Assassin before, maybe for a spinoff or something? Oh wait…

Would any of us really have noticed if the male animations were used for female character models? A slight change of outfit and maybe some round shapes under their tops (we’re not asking for Dead or Alive esque boob physics) and you’re away. Sure, I’ve over-simplified it somewhat, but I’m probably not as far off as you’d think either.

Ubisoft can’t fob us off by claiming they were aiming for maximum realism with the animations and didn’t want to cheat by reusing male animations when the game so clearly laughs in the face of reality. Are we really meant to believe that Arno (or any human) can leap vertically over six feet up in the air from a ledge grab position when climbing a tower? This is the same lad that hops onto every crate and table with the raw excitability of a dog being shown an open car door. Then watch that enthusiasm fade as the terror of getting off any thigh-high object is demanded of him via a hot mess of control inputs.

Don’t get mad at him though, while other games would simply say push forwards on the left stick to get down, Arno must endure multiple combinations of the left stick and R2 and Circle buttons to dismount. If he can’t handle tables, imagine how he’d react if he suddenly grew a pair of tits.

More to the point, why do I care so much about the lack of female assassin’s in co-op mode, when nearly a week since getting game, I’m still unable to connect to the damn mode anyway.